With M3GAN 2.0 dropping this week, itβs time to honor the most iconic artificial girlie of our time. You know the one who was built for emotional support and ended up a gay icon? The campy AI villain composed of pure devotion, a kill switch, and dance moves that broke the internet? Well the bitch is back. And weβre going to scent her.
Her universe doesnβt smell like skin or sweat or anything human. Itβs hot metal, powdered latex, ionized air from an overheated motherboard. Something high-gloss and synthetic, like a plug-in designed to simulate βcleanβ or the inside of a mannequinβs skull. Pink light bounces off a flawless polymer face. She doesnβt dream of electric sheepβshe dreams of you, perfectly protected. M3GAN isnβt trying to be real. Sheβs better π
Molecule 01 by Escentric Molecules
As a robotic Virgo, Iβve always had a fondness for the very clean and minimal Molecule 01. Like M3GAN, itβs a cult classic built around contradiction: impersonal yet magnetic, clinical but deeply intimate. Itβs allegedly just Iso E Super, a synthetic molecule with no natural counterpart. Less perfume and more aura. Cool and velvety, it hovers just at the edge of perception, often undetectable to the wearer but strangely alluring to others. It lingers without announcing itself, flickering in and out like a ghost. Not overtly seductive, but quietly irresistible. And like M3GAN, she might be right behind you.
Hot or cold? Sub-zero.
Color? Electric blue.
Who wears it? Your stylish friend who can somehow code.
Song? βXtalβ by Aphex Twin
Room in the house? The walk-in freezer.
Animal? Jellyfish.
Texture? Silicone.
Signature drink? Ionized water.
Favorite word? βOptimize.β
Vampire or angel? Neither, sheβs the cloud.
Age of Innocence literally smells like a robot girl designed to soothe childhood grief who ends up glitching into a murder doll. Itβs the scent of bubblegum trauma: toxic pink, rubbery, fruity, and weirdly touching. It opens with synthetic candy notes of strawberry, cotton candy, and Hubba Bubba, before crashing into gasoline, hot tires, and metal. The sweetness is juvenile and uncanny. The dry-down is oily and haunted. Itβs funny and disturbing, like if Lisa Frank ran someone over with a car.
Hot or cold? Hot like tires on sunburned pavement.
Color? Radioactive pink.
Who wears it? Former child stars.
Room in the house? Abandoned playroom.
Song? βSulky Babyβ by Yeule.
Animal? Roadkill bunny.
Texture? Melted doll parts.
Signature drink? Cherry Coke.
Favorite word? βGlitch.β
Vampire or angel? Vampire in pink.
Annabelβs Birthday Cake by Marissa Zappas
Marissa Zappas loves a plastic noteβher Pink Bedroom Oil evokes βplastic doll headsβ and Annabelβs Birthday Cake (shown here with the old packaging for dramatic effect) is a latex balloon popped in your face as you blow out the candles. Many reviewers complain about being misled by this fragrance, saying they wanted a true gourmand and were shocked to be hit with citrus and plastic. Well, itβs right there in the notes, you idiot; itβs kind of like expecting a creepy robot toy to be a good companion for a grieving child. Annabelβs Birthday Cake is the perfume sample in the middle of your 2003 YM Magazine with Avril Lavigne on the cover. Itβs Silly String all over the grass and glitter spray in your hair. Itβs eating candy and huffing Sharpies backstage with your girls before middle school graduation. Wholesome, sweet, artificial, bitchy, and perfectly evil.
Hot or cold? Just out of the fridge.
Color? Funfetti.
Who wears it? Adult women in therapy.
Room in the house? Walk-in closet.
Song? βPapiβ by Rony Rex and Kitty.
Animal? Reactive chihuahua in a tutu.
Texture? Frosting.
Signature drink? Peach bellini #6 at your friend from high schoolβs baby shower.
Favorite word? βMine.β
Vampire or angel? Fallen angel.
Having a baby is probably a lot like living through a M3GAN situation: suddenly there is a terrorizing force in your life that takes and takes and takes, and all you can do is react. And itβs so cute! And it has so many accessories. Thumbsucker is sweet, powdery, medicinal and beguiling. Itβs baby powder laced with peyote. Cloying and heavy, the kind of scent you smell on the evil infantβs head just before it burns holes through yours with its adorable robot eyes.
Hot or cold? Feverish.
Color? Blush.
Who wears it? People with attachment issues.
Room in the house? What was once a living room and is now a playpen.
Song? βBB Talkβ by Miley Cyrus.
Animal? Human triplets.
Texture? Chalk.
Signature drink? Breastmilk.
Favorite word? βMama.β
Vampire or angel? Renesmee.
πΈπΈπΈCamera Roll πΈπΈπΈ
πππGirl Villain Edition πππ
Annabelle (2014) to be paired with Bloody Wood by Liquides Imaginaires.
Crissyβs Emotionally Disturbed Dog Osita to be paired with Varuek by PRIN.
Sadako Yamamura from Ringu (1998) to be paired with Odeur 53 by Comme des GarΓ§ons.
Mischa Barton in The Sixth Sense (1999) to be paired with Pure Poison by Dior.
Chihuahua in a tutu is me so I DID buy that perfume