Sun, sand, and psychosis 🌞🏝️🧠🍬🥥

Four perfumes inspired by RHONY’s Scary Island

If you happen to have a life (what’s it like?), allow us to explain “Scary Island” to you. In 2010, The Real Housewives of New York went to St. John for what was supposed to be a luxury girls’ trip and instead ended up in what Netflix would tag a “tense psychological thriller.” Notoriously kooky housewife Kelly Bensimon claimed she was under attack by mysterious forces, accusing diet food mogul Bethenny Frankel of trying to poison her. Bethenny screamed “GO TO SLEEP” at her, famously delusional Sonja Morgan somehow became the voice of reason, and yenta Jill Zarin showed up uninvited just in time to make the perennially anxious Alex McCord break out in hives. Part screwball comedy, part hostage situation, it’s widely considered the most important Housewives episode ever made.

So other than “Sun, Sand, and Psychosis” (the episode’s official title), what does Scary Island smell like? Probably whiplash between idyllic ocean breezes and the claustrophobic stench of too many spiraling egos trapped under one roof. Think SPF 30, lots of tequila, Bethenny’s famous crab cakes, jellybeans melted into Egyptian cotton sheets, cheap white wine guzzled from the bottle, and a sharp metallic edge, like jewelry left in the sun or the glint of a dinner knife mid-argument. It’s coconut water spiked with fear, tropical flowers bruised in transit, and a whisper of AC that never quite cools the room. It’s the scent of a vacation gone absolutely feral.

Aguamadera by XINŪ

Aguamadera smells like green lime and agave, making it an elevated version of Bethenny’s Skinny Girl Margarita, the syrupy bottled cocktail that made her obscenely wealthy and sent Kelly Bensimon into a full-blown nervous breakdown on Scary Island. This is not an exaggeration: Kelly received the Skinny Girl gift bag and took it as a targeted act of violence, ironclad evidence that Bethenny was trying to kill her. Aguamadera doesn’t smell like murder or paranoia, but it does smell like Bethenny’s intention to share a pleasant citrus and tequila refresher to ease the girls. But unlike Skinny Girl, Aguamadera evokes an agave beverage made by someone who’s actually been to Oaxaca. It’s refreshing, dry, and subtly smoky, and the guaiac and cedar in the drydown give it a silvery, mineral polish, like a salt-rimmed glass you lunge for when your vacation turns into a horror movie. It's a scent that evokes the sunny luxury the girls thought they were getting before Kelly began showing signs of schizophrenia.

Hot or cold? Hot like the smoke in your liquor.
Color? Lime green.
Who wears it? The white woman who knows all the best poolside cabanas in Mehico.
Place? Breezy outdoor bar in CDMX.
Animal? Iguana.
Theme song? “Juegos y Nubes” by Khruangbin.
Texture? Dry citrus skin.
Signature drink? Mezcal margarita.
Favorite word? “Loca.”
Ripe or dead? Ripe like the tension between the women in flowy pool coverups.

—Anna

Peach’s Revenge by Sarah Baker

“Lollipops and gummy bears,” says Kelly Bensimon in the middle of a psychotic break. Kelly and Bethenny are an ouroboros of insanity in this episode—it’s so beautiful when you get to see a person break down on TV (Bethenny) because they’ve been placed in closed quarters with someone who seems like they were designed in a lab to drive them fucking nuts (Kelly). Bethenny is all quips and eye rolls and business talk, while Kelly is complete chaos, saying truly whatever (“you’re not a chef, you’re a cook!”) and making wild claims that are not based in any kind of reality (she asserts that constantly eating candy is part of a clean diet). Food is kind of what whips their tempestuous feud into overdrive: first it’s the chef v. cook conversation, then it’s the candy diet, and finally it’s Kelly’s improperly cooked steak at dinner. The group spirals into madness after the steak is served, with Bethenny screaming that Kelly is “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” as the rest of the ladies guzzle wine and try to figure out what the fuck is going on. I had to find the sweetest perfume in my collection as a tribute to Kelly, which is certainly Sarah Baker’s ‘Peach’s Revenge.’ It tragically does *not* smell like gummy bears, but it does slap you across the face with a bag of candy. It’s juicy, sugary, and subtly spicy, just like Kelly herself. Like eating a bag of Peach Rings while wildly high, it will leave you salivating, blissed out, and a little sick. Do not try this one if you’re not into gourmands, you could end up crazed out like Kelly (a real estate agent who posts about the opportunity of buying Epstein’s pedo island).

Hot or cold? Feverish.
Color? Artificial orange.
Who wears it? The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.
Room in the house? Wherever you hide the good stuff.
Animal? Honey badger.
Theme song? “Cherry” by Lana Del Rey.
Texture? Juicy.
Signature drink? The fourth bellini consumed trying to cure a hangover.
Favorite word? “Syrup.”
Ripe or dead? Ripe but nearly rotting.

—Crissy

L’Or de Louis by Arquiste

Something that’s not talked about enough in the Scary Island discourse is when Kelly is popping off at Bethenny on the boat and randomly mumbles “satchels of gold” in response to nothing. To me it's the clearest evidence that Kelly is in the midst of some kind of schizophrenic episode. Bethenny later addressed the trippy moment on her short-lived podcast, where she recapped RHONY episodes (after publicly attacking Bravo’s exploitative tactics) while acting as though she was the very first person to ever discuss TV on a podcast. On the inaugural episode featuring Elisabeth Moss, Bethenny shares her own experiences as an actress and sort of mansplains acting to Elisabeth (who has two Emmys, two Golden Globes, and a Tony), but more importantly for our purposes, Ms. Moss recalls Kelly’s peculiar utterance on the boat. Bethenny jokes in response that they should start a production company called Satchels of Gold. In homage to that moment, which I’m positive no one noticed, the production company that options the main character’s book in my novel Perfume & Pain is called Satchels of Gold. Now you know! Anyway, Bethenny explains the bizarre outburst by saying that Kelly speaks in “non-sequiturs” based on random “synapses going off inside.” But Arquiste’s L’Or de Louis actually makes the phrase make sense! It’s Satchels of Gold in scent form: orange blossom bred for Versailles, honeyed jasmine, a dusting of decadent iris, and literal flecks of 24 karat gold suspended in the juice. It’s sweet, musky, floral, and just animalic enough to hint at decay beneath the grandeur. It smells like opulence rotting in real time—which, incidentally, is also what the Housewives were doing on Scary Island. Maybe Kelly was onto something?

Hot or cold? Warm like melting precious metals.
Color? 24 karat gold.
Who wears it? That rich woman who is definitely lying.
Room in the house? The solarium.
Animal? King Charles Spaniel.
Theme song? “Ceremony” by New Order.
Texture? Velvet drapes.
Signature drink? French 75.
Favorite word? “Regal.”
Ripe or dead? Dead but bronzed.

—Anna

Salted Green Mango by Strangers Parfumerie

Salted Green Mango is a scent of peace. It’s the idyllic ocean breeze blowing, being fully ignored by Kelly as she terrorizes Alex McCord during a tyrannical beach photoshoot (Kelly screams “Johan face!!” at Alex, directing her to look like her own small child, for whatever reason). Aquatic and green, it leans ever-so-slightly masculine. It’s the hot guy you could’ve met at the beach if your friends weren’t being annoying. It’s an afternoon on a luxury yacht, swimming into grottos and drinking from freshly cracked coconuts. In short, it’s everything that Scary Island wasn’t—cool, tranquil, and refreshing. And thank god for that! But we can still wear this perfect summer scent and think of all the peace these ladies would never, ever find. Besides Alex I guess, who’s like a PhD in Australia? Good for you, queen.

Hot or cold? Cool like shade under a palm tree.
Color? Brat green.
Who wears it? Hot people on a tiny island.
Room in the house? Balcony of a beachfront Airbnb.
Animal? Tropical angelfish.
Theme song? “James Joint” by Rihanna.
Texture? Fruit leather from Erewhon.
Signature drink? Mango daiquiri at a swim up bar.
Favorite word? “Shore.”
Ripe or dead? Dead but in a chic, zen way.

—Crissy

📸📸📸 Camera Roll 📸📸📸
🧠💎🍬 Delusion Edition* 🍬💎🧠

Amanda Bynes arriving at court in a teal wig paired with L de Lolita Lempicka.

Security footage of Winona Ryder shoplifting paired with Bvlgari Black.

Grimes leaning on a street sign reading The Communist Manifesto paired with Mugler Alien.

Cat Marnell at the Paper Nightlife Awards with CHINESE and DEMOCRACY scrawled on her arms paired with Gucci Rush (apparently inspired by cocaine :).