Welcome 2 Sample Sluts

Four perfumes inspired by Kristen Doute

Hello all, and welcome to Sample Sluts! We are launching this Substack mostly as a way to justify our harrowing addiction to accumulating perfume samples. Here, we turn that affliction into art and commerce! Each week, we’ll share several perfumes we’re enjoying organized around a theme. This week’s theme: Kristen Doute.

Our friendship started from a place of Vanderpump Rules, uniting as proud defenders of arguably the series’ most unwell cast member. Yes, Kristen hit James on the street, told her boss to “eat a dick,” and gave her best friend’s boyfriend head while watching the movie Drive. But she’s also a passionate empath who loves hard and is fiercely protective of her friends and all animals! Without further ado, here are four perfumes that evoke our queen Kristen Louise “Mariposa” Doute.

xoxo,

Anna and Crissy

Coven by Andrea Maack

Coven is the perfect scent for the preeminent Witch of WeHo. Worn by a woman who burns sage during other people’s arguments and definitely has a voodoo doll. With notes of cedar, clove, oakmoss, and whiskey, Coven smells like a forest after a cleansing rain or a breakdown during a girls' trip in Copenhagen. It’s green, spicy, damp, and slightly possessed. Let’s interview her to find out more.

Hot or cold? Cool.
Sparkly or fluffy? Sparkly like eyes that have been silently crying.
Zodiac sign? Virgo sun, Scorpio moon & rising.
Color? Deep moss green.
Song? “Female Vampire” by Jenny Hval.
Who wears it? Girls with extensive crystal collections.
Room in the house? Walk-in closet full of black maxi dresses.
Animal? Siamese cat.
Drug? Mugwort tea.
Place? Iceland.
Texture? Damp soil.
Signature drink? Red wine.
Introvert or extrovert? Introvert with a sharp tongue.
Favorite word? “Cursed.”
Vampire or angel? Vampire, obviously.

Laurel Canyon, 1966 by Thin Wild Mercury

If Coven is Kristen’s shadow side, Laurel Canyon, 1966 is her soul. This is a girl who once ate a purple flower off the side of the road in Solvang because she thought it was lavender. (It wasn’t.) A girl who launched a vintage T-shirt line “inspired by the west coast, music, nostalgia, and the kind of vibes you feel when you haven’t washed your hair in five days but still look amazing.” Laurel Canyon, 1966 is precisely that kind of vibe! A little herbal, a little dirty, sun-warmed, aggressively sentimental. Patchouli and jasmine, birch tar and cannabis. It’s Coachella meets Stevie Nicks meets the Whole Foods aromatherapy aisle.

Hot or cold? Warm summer day.
Sparkly or fluffy? Fluffy like a rabbit in the Topanga hills.
Zodiac sign? Aquarius-Pisces cusp.
Color? Golden hour yellow.
Song? “Gypsy” by Fleetwood Mac.
Who wears it? Girls who wear flower crowns.
Room in the house? The garden.
Animal? A fawn who is “just a girl.”
Drug? Psilocybin.
Place? A wildflower field in Laurel Canyon.
Texture? Dôen linen.
Signature drink? Kombucha in a mason jar.
Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert, “just vibes with everyone.”
Favorite word? “Energy.”
Vampire or angel? Proud angel.

Cowboy by Mondo Mondo

Where, pray tell, is Kristen Doute’s cinematic masterpiece that she teased on Instagram last summer? There’s no way to discern a plot based on her post, but it involves a few key things: podcasting, a cult, Rachel O’brien (one of the many tragic Vanderpump Rules side characters who fucked Jax and did middling improv comedy), and what I would assume are the many acres of rugged undeveloped Colorado land owned by her now-fiance Luke Broderick (pictured above, brooding in a still from the never-to-be-released film). Kristen is a rock star—she couldn’t be tamed by a regular L.A. beta male. Instead, she plucked a younger man right out of the mountains, one who is on the record as having happily lived without plumbing. (Their first date was fucking behind a tent at a wedding, obviously). Cowboy by Mondo Mondo represents the Luke that Kristen rides for: her “real man” who smells like diesel fuel, grass, tobacco, and wet dirt. The sweetness of honeysuckle balances all the heaviness, leaving you with a fresh, earthy, addictive scent that smells like a hot guy who has never once shaved his forehead.

Hot or cold? Blistering hard work in the fields.
Sparkly or fluffy? The spark of a lighter as he lights your Marlboro red.
Zodiac sign? Taurus.
Color? Green grass with a little dirt at the root.
Song? "Ultraviolence" by Lana Del Rey
Who wears it? Women who like pickup trucks, men who drove them but were forced to move to L.A. by those women.
Room in the house? The garage.
Animal? Deerhead mounted on the lodge wall.
Drug? Miller High Life.
Place? Field under the stars.
Texture? Worn leather.
Signature drink? Whiskey neat.
Introvert or extrovert? Brooding introvert with a heart of gold.
Favorite word? “Classic.”
Vampire or angel? Vampire who owns the oldest saloon in West Texas.

Caffeine Honey by Strangers Parfumerie

Haters like boring ass basic Kristina Kelly will say that Kristen smells like old coffee and cigs, but I think she smells like cloying, sweet Body Mist from T.J. Maxx, fresh coffee, and yes, cigarettes. Caffeine Honey by Strangers Parfumerie, much like Kristen, is an acquired taste. It smacks you in the face with syrupy sweetness, rich coffee notes, and something like burnt popcorn. Its soft, sugary core is Doute’s true nature—a total sweetheart who crams four dogs into a one-bedroom apartment yet will never give up her vices, god bless her.

Hot or cold? Piping hot.
Sparkly or fluffy? Frothy whole milk.
Zodiac sign? Cancer.
Color? Amber is definitely the color of her energy.
Song? "Cigarettes and Coffee” by Otis Redding
Who wears it? The girl who slathered on Victoria’s Secret Slice of Heaven vanilla lotion in the high school locker room.
Room in the house? Countertop where you keep the french press.
Animal? Baby chihuahua.
Drug? Drive-through Starbucks trenta.
Place? Ski lodge lobby with a roaring fire.
Texture? Syrup.
Signature drink? Espresso Martini.
Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert who chats you up in line.
Favorite word? “Grace.”
Vampire or angel? Angel.