“You smell like hospital” 💉🥤❄️

The Salt Lake City Housewives in four scents.

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Nov 04, 2025

Here at Sample Sluts, we aren’t religious, but we are spiritual. We touch the face of God every week, and by that we mean we watch the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Let’s just take a moment and praise the lord that Joseph Smith didn’t discover any tablets in the desert that forbade future Mormons from indulging in attention-seeking behavior! And who knew that Salt Lake City was such a diverse metropolis? The current cast includes a Greek hairstylist mob boss (Angie Katsenevas), a Black Pentecostal preacher (Mary Cosby), and a Jewish woman who lives in New York, actually (Meredith Marks). It is through this program that we learn how real Mormonism lives not in dogmatic rules, but in the heart—Whitney ‘Wild’ Rose, Heather Gay, and Bronwyn Newport are all church rejects, while Lisa Barlow is still devout in spite of guzzling tequila on a near-daily basis. Of course, the show also brought us Polynesian-Muslim Jen Shah, who is currently incarcerated. Utah is a rich tapestry!

While we can only fantasize about how Utah actually smells—like a 7-Eleven, probably—we’ve been moved by the holy ghost to ascribe a few fine fragrances to our ice queens. Bear our testimony.

Cuir Beluga by Guerlain

I’ve always had a soft spot for Meredith Marks given that she, like me, went to law school but somehow lacks the proficiency to contribute to a basic legal conversation with a table of women who didn’t go to college (see, e.g., her blank stare during Lisa’s Lawsuit Luncheon). She’s much more interested in being a DJ, and let it be known: the JD to DJ pipeline is more common than one might think. Meredith has many passions aside from music and zoning out while other people are talking and none of them are the American legal system. She much prefers baths, diamonds, and of course, caviar. Her official company Meredith Marks Caviar doesn’t offer Beluga caviar (consisting of the roe of the beluga sturgeon) (obviously I had to look this up), but it does offer Kaluga caviar… which sounds similar! Google tells me Beluga and Kaluga are the two most prestigious varietals, but Beluga is illegal in the U.S. Thankfully, Mer can still get her fix through Cuir Beluga, which Guerlain likens to Beluga caviar in that both are “pure luxury.” This scent luckily doesn’t smell like fish eggs, but it does smell like being rich enough to eat them daily. A soft, velvety interpretation of leather, Cuir Beluga opens with tangerine and aldehydes before melting into white suede, heliotrope, and vanilla. It’s cashmere made vapor, smooth as Mer’s voice when she’s on enough Xanax to tranquilize the entire cast and crew.

Hot or cold? Warm like bathwater.
Who wears it? Someone who’s “disengaging.”
Place? Caviar Kaspia.
Animal? Beluga whale.
Theme song? “Rumors” by Lindsay Lohan.
Texture? Suede.
Signature drink? Chilled vodka shot.
Favorite word? “Leave.”
Vampire or angel? Tranquilized vampire.

—Anna

Not a Perfume Superdose by Juliette Has a Gun

There is no human being quite like Mary Cosby. When RHOSLC came out in 2020—delivering us from the pandemic, so Christ-like—it was Mary’s presence that turned the show from regular housewives drama into a truly surreal realm. She was married to her step-grandfather, leading a cult, and saying things to Jen Shah like, “you smell like hospital.” Not “the” hospital or “a” hospital, just “hospital.” She has a surgical precision when it comes to her command of the English language. She also seems obsessed with death and decay: the hospital comment, this story about why 2003 Dom Perignon is so good (killed 56 people), and her lengthy detailing of a deadly car accident when talking to a child. In honor of Mary, spritz yourself with a little bit of Not a Perfume Superdose—if you don’t think that Baccarat Rouge smells like hospital, maybe this will be the one to transport you to an ER. It’s packed with cetalox, which reads as woody to some and rubbing alcohol to others. Some reviewers are obsessed, some say it smells like “an old cabinet.” I’m sure Mary Cosby would say something truly harrowing about it, God bless her.

Hot or cold? Freezing and sterile.
Who wears it? White-collar criminals.
Place? The Pitt.
Animal? Resuscitated fish.
Theme song? “Genesis” by Grimes.
Texture? Latex gloves.
Signature drink? 2003 Dom Perignon.
Favorite word? “Infirm.”
Vampire or angel? Angel...of death.

—Crissy

Cacti by Régime des Fleurs

I know she’s not a fan favorite by any means, but I can’t help but feel a fondness for the extremely horny and incredibly strange Britani Bateman. She has what Angie calls “high body count hair,” is dickmatized by a man who clearly has his foot out the door, is always filming TikToks of herself singing in public to the alarm of all passersby, and seems addicted to making oddly timed announcements that none of her castmates care about. But what can I say? I’m endeared to her! And this season she’s delivering a max dose of her signature strangeness. On an early episode, Whitney gives Britani a tough talk in a plant store about how she needs to take a break from her situationship Jared in order to earn back her daughter’s trust. But it’s hard to focus on the convo because Britani is fondling a mini cactus with a dreamy, lips-parted gaze that suggests she’s thinking about Jared’s…cactus. And what better perfume for this prickly princess than Cacti by Régime des Fleurs? With notes of aloe, maté, Italian bergamot, and cucumber water, it evokes a group of frozen Utah women on a much-needed girls’ trip to Palm Springs, or Britani trying to finger her way to an engagement that sticks in a Salt Lake City plant store.

Hot or cold? Hot and dry.
Who wears it? A very thirsty woman.
Place? Palm Springs.
Animal? Iguana.
Theme song? “Sing About Me, I’m Dying Of Thirst” by Kendrick Lamar.
Texture? Prickly AF.
Signature drink? Spicy skinny marg.
Favorite word? “Sip.”
Vampire or angel? Tan angel.

—Anna

Tonka Cola by Mancera

I would like to argue that Lisa Barlow, patron saint of Diet Coke, is spiritually from New Jersey. She checks all the boxes: chemically darkened ‘bowling ball black’ hair, fake tan, real tan, lowbrow taste, insane ego, and two large sons. She’s basically Melissa “Thank you, Jesus!” Gorga in a different font. And I love that about her! Anyone who uses soda medicinally is an idol in my eyes, and we all know that Diet Coke is particularly psychotropic. Tonka Cola smells exactly how it sounds: spicy like a perfect soda and sweet with tonka bean, with a spritz of cherry and a twist of lemon. There’s a lingering sort of incense-y note that works as a perfect nod to Lisa’s questionable relationship to the Mormon Church. Crack open a cold one and mix it with some Vida Tequila on the rocks.

Hot or cold? Hot like Wendy’s french fries.
Who wears it? The queen of Sundance.
Place? The drive-thru lane.
Animal? Afghan hound who uses Kerastase Thermique.
Theme song? “Glamorous” by Fergie ft. Ludacris.
Texture? Fizzy.
Signature drink? Diet Coke, duh.
Favorite word? “Gorgeous.”
Vampire or angel? Vampire with a junk food diet.